


Not Afraid Anymore

by schattenspiel



Category: Free!
Genre: (only because he's bad with emotions), Affection, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, At some point probably Sex, Conflict, Consensual Sex, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Feelings, Fighting, Friends to Lovers, Growth, Implied M/F, Implied Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Matsuoka Rin Being an Asshole, Matsuoka Rin and Yamazaki Sousuke attend the same university, Pressure to succeed, Rival Relationship, Rivalry, Self-Discovery, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Swimming, lots of feelings, responsible drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:07:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25049644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schattenspiel/pseuds/schattenspiel
Summary: “I thought you were in Australia.”A smirk spread on Rin’s lips. “I was, but I came back.”“Why would you?”, the slightly bitter undertone in the raven-haired athlete’s voice was more audible than aspired.The ginger chuckled, “Winning is no fun, if I don’t win against you.”AU in which Rin and Sousuke end their friendship over a girl after the regional championship, yet learn to slowly but surely unravel their true feelings for one another in University.
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	1. “Winning is no fun, if I don’t win against you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Welcome to my first work here on Archive Of Our Own, I hope you'll enjoy my little daydream of Rin and Sousuke being all up in their feelings! I have not seen season 3 of Free! (Dive Into The Future) though, so I won't be referencing any characters or plot that might play a role in this season (hence, AU). 
> 
> On another note though, English is not my first language, so please feel free to correct me wherever you find a mistake or wonky phrasing.
> 
> More importantly though, I hope you'll like this first chapter :)

_“I want to swim with you, one last time.”_

His own words were echoing through his head as he held a framed picture of the Samezuka Swimming Team in his hands. It was on this day -before the regional championship- that he had talked to Rin, and just a few fleeting moments later, the red-haired boy found out about his shoulder injury.

More than a year had passed since then and yet, Sousuke could not look at their picture without the bitter aftertaste that came with it; because this day also marked the last time that the two had spoken to each other.

The reason for their fallout: an insanely simple complexity called love; better said, an individual named Tanaka Kisu. Kisu was a student at Samezuka Academy and knew very well how to push the boys’ buttons, going even as far as having them attack each other. The competition of who’d get her attention the most and who’d make her fall in love with them first had been on ever since Sousuke had transferred to their school. The doll-eyed girl had frequently been the centrepiece of their fights, fueling their rivalry even more until one evening, it reached a breaking point.

In order to protect their friendship, the two of them had established the rule that any kind of romantic actions had to be initiated by Kisu herself. At this point, neither of them would’ve guessed that one of them would ever dare to neglect that very precept.

The exact night their friendship was due to derail had been an evening in August, spent on their favourite glade; this had been the best friends’ go-to place ever since they'd come here for the first time. They could kill hours just sitting, talking and gazing down on the city. This particular time though, everything had felt very different; they hadn’t been communicating as much, and especially Rin had seemed weighed-down by something.

“You seem different today, Rin. Is everything alright?”, Sousuke asked, trying to gently break down the redhead’s walls brick by brick.

To that, he had never gotten a response. All that the maroon-haired boy had been signalling was a sense of absentmindedness.

“Rin talk to me. Please.”

No answer. To the redhead, Sousuke’s voice sounded like it had been muffled by a layer of cotton wool. All he’d been able to hear were his thoughts, racing through his mind.

“Rin-”

“I kissed her”, he’d said without a quiver in his voice.

Sousuke had frozen. A gloomy, constricting feeling had washed over him, making him want to crawl out of his skin. _I kissed her._

“You… you broke our rule”, Sousuke had muttered in a scarily calm manner.

As if he hadn’t noticed the weight of his words, Rin had added, “I had to.”

“What do you mean ‘you had to’?!”, the taller boy’s voice had risen to a higher volume, reflecting how much he had been trying to keep it together.

Keeping his gaze low and carefully placed not to meet Sousuke’s, Rin had continued to speak in a hoarse manner. “I noticed that our friendship isn’t going to work any longer. One more week and I’m headed to Australia. We both know how that ended the last time.”

“Is this what this is all about? Australia…?”, Sousuke growled, now furiously, “You’re jeopardizing our friendship for a girl, just because you don’t think you’ll be able to send me a letter every once in a while?”

Dangerous silence.

His muscles tensed before he forcefully grabbed the collar of Rin’s jacket. “You only ever cared about your fucking self.”

And in that moment, the maroon-haired male lost it. “All you are is jealous, admit it!”, he yelled as he was taken over by his anger.

This very sentence introduced a short period of silence; enough time for the dark-haired boy to let go of his mate’s collar and regain his temper, as much as possible. Calm, yet still dangerously close to exploding, the taller boy said, “Good luck in Australia.”

And with that, their last conversation had ended. From then on, calls were ignored, and meetings were avoided; they had vanished from each other’s lives within one conversation. Love can be a beautiful thing, but sometimes it also brings out the worst in people.

Time went on and eventually Sousuke had healed from the heartbreak of losing a girl, and more importantly his best friend. Things were looking up as he had found himself ambitious and eager to chase after his dream, but not even his burning combative spirit had been able to fade his physical pain. Thus, the raven-haired boy had undergone shoulder surgery and another lap of rehab, blessedly successfully. However, the prior mentioned as well as the countless months spent re-learning how to train indulgently cost the aspiring athlete a whole year between the end of High School and University.

Heavy-heartedly he placed the framed photograph in the drawer. This was not the time to mourn the past. This was a fresh start, a start at a University with new people, new coaches, a new team, and new lanes. Sousuke shifted his weight from his left to his right foot to catch a glimpse of the clock. It showed 6:53 PM, meaning he had about 7 minutes left until the student welcome ceremony in the foyer started.

The introduction from the head of Seshika Kyoritsu University to all the new students had been pleasant to watch, however, Sousuke was much more excited for the welcome gathering. Admittedly, ‘excited’ might be too extreme, but befriending others was always beneficial, especially as chances were that whoever he’d chat up might soon train alongside of him. As he waited in line to get a drink, he casted a glance over the crowd of adolescents. It seemed as if the studentry were predominantly male and about Sousuke’s age, maybe a little younger; all of them appeared to be carefree and cheerful.

“Sousuke!”

Before he could make out the direction from his name had been shouted, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“Aiichiro, what brings you here?”, a soft smile spread on the dark-haired boy’s lips, while reaching for a paper cup filled with whatever the student welcome party had to offer.

“I was accepted into Seshika Kyoritsu University quite last minute, if I’m honest”, the smaller male chuckled nervously, “So you’re in the second year already?”

Sousuke sighed. “No, unfortunately. I had to have surgery last summer and spent the rest of the year recovering and getting back into shape.”

“Well, you certainly succeeded in that – cheers to that!”

Bumping their paper cups together, Sousuke answered with “Thank you, Aiichiro.”

The later it got and the more frequently cups were refilled, the more comfortable the raven-haired athlete got with talking to potential future teammates, Aiichiro following him along like a lost puppy. He usually didn’t drink, but what was the harm in loosening up a little?

“Say, Aiichiro…”, Sousuke shouted over the loud music, “Have you heard from Rin?”

Guess that’s the harm; it’s been long since the dark-haired male had spoken this name.

“Sousuke, I- …no, I haven’t”, the smaller boy returned stuttering, “We used to- uh- _are_ , we _are_ pen pals, but he takes forever to reply to my letters.”

_Good to know_ , Sousuke thought to himself; _at least he’s answering Nitori letters_.

“Guess they just take long to reach Japan, you know, f-from Australia!”

Sousuke raised an eyebrow.

“Regardless! Uh- uhm, let’s just talk about something else, okay?”, Aiichiro chuckled nervously.

The dark-haired athlete certainly noticed something being off about Aiichiro’s articulation and phrasing, but he shrugged it off and blamed it on the jitters about starting University.

Again, time elapsed and as the clock signalled that Sousuke would be terribly tired (and hungover) if he didn’t leave this very minute, he decided to call it a night and said goodbye to Aiichiro and his newly made colleagues.

It was only when he reached his room that he realized how exhausted he’d been from all the socializing; and also drinking, to be fair. But judging from the front door swinging open, he wasn’t spared for long.

“Knock, knock, roommate.”

Half asleep and only in sweatpants, Sousuke turned around to see who was challenging him so late into the night. But he was soon taken aback by who stood in front of him.

“Rin?”, rubbing his eyes in disbelief, he felt a strange feeling rush through his body. So, _this_ was the reason Aiichiro had been behaving so strangely.

“I see your shoulder has healed. I’m glad”, purred the red-haired boy with a dark shade to his voice, his body resting against the door frame.

“I thought you were in Australia.”

A smirk spread on Rin’s lips. “I was, but I came back.”

“Why would you?”, the slightly bitter undertone in the raven-haired athlete’s voice was more audible than aspired.

The ginger chuckled, “Winning is no fun, if I don’t win against _you_.” Within a few moments though, his expression changed from a mischievous grin to a more serious face, “I’m sorry for what happened last year.”

Sousuke paused. “And you think I’ll forgive you just like that?”

“I don’t _think_ so. I know.”

And even though Sousuke hated to admit it, he was right.


	2. "Then as Now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello.  
> it's me again - i updated ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> i don't really know what to put in this chapter's notes, but i hope you guys enjoy the read*!
> 
> *as in 'enjoy the ride' hihi (okay sorry i'll stop)

“Matsuoka Rin.” – “Yes.”

“Yamazaki Sousuke.” – “Yes.”

It was only the next morning, when Sousuke _really_ realized that Rin was actually not kidding about going to the same college. They were aligned next to each other as their new coach verified his students’ presence.

“How’d you sleep, Sousuke?”, Rin smirked as he looked over at his tired, still a little groggy feeling teammate.

“Great, actually. The top bunk bed is great”, the taller of the two responded. He could not suppress a sly grin, knowing very well that he’d won their match of rock, paper, scissor on who’d get to sleep on top.

“Shut it, Yamazaki”, Rin hissed, but in way which Sousuke knew too well; it was the kind expression he’d make over the course of friendly banter. It didn’t seem as if Rin was joking, but that was just how Rin was. He had a hard shell with a soft core, really.

“Good morning, students! My name is Watanabe Daisuke and I will be coaching _some of you_ for the following semesters.” Coach Watanabe was a tall, square-built man with jet black hair, who Sousuke estimated to be in his thirties; as far as he knew, Watanabe had won countless swimming contests in the category butterfly and freestyle. “We’ll proceed as follows: you’ll pair up with a partner and swim against each other in one and the same, and I’ll repeat, in one and the same swimming style; the victor of each pair will be directed to my group. Asides from today, the rest of you will be mentored by Coach Sato. Clear?”

Collective nodding.

“Okay, who’d like to start?”

“Yamazaki and I, Coach Watanabe”. Those words had left his throat like a shot. “Butterfly.”

Sousuke smiled teasingly, “You know, Rin. I’m still recovering from surgery, so you have a clear advantage.”

The maroon-haired boy’s muscles tensed in anticipation. “You better not let me win this time.”

 _This time_. Was Rin by any chance referring to their falling out a year ago?

As both boys got into position, Coach Watanabe counted down, “Ready… 3, 2, 1, go!”

And in this very moment, a fire sparked within the two rivals. Estranged turned into familiar, and tension turned into passion as both athletes immersed into the pool, as swift as an arrow. The water around them felt like a second skin as they shot through the lanes, and truly, _that was it_. That burning sensation inside of him that sent shivers down his spine was the feeling Rin had been longing for over the past months. Just like his combative spirit, his arm movements were fierce and strong, and pushed him along the lane with every movement. The redhead was confident that he was in the lead but was proven otherwise when he found a second of calmness in the heat of the moment; their eyes met.

Supposedly, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul. If that were true, Rin’s competitor seemed to radiate comfort and warmth, and for a faction of a second, the ginger was tempted to lose himself in the dark teal that was staring back at him.

It was a piercing sound that tore Rin out of his thoughts. Heavily breathing, he looked over at Sousuke; smiling.

“Okay everyone, I have decided on the winners.”

As coach Watanabe started announcing who out of each team had proven victorious, the maroon-haired athlete started trying to evaluate who had done better in their pair. For a change though, Rin wasn’t _only_ focused on his result; he more so felt relieved about having been able to swim with his raven-haired rival.

“Pair Matsuoka-Yamazaki. With you two, it’s a tie.”

Both of them nodded as they exchanged looks. “Well done, Rin”, Sousuke said, before he was returned a confident smirk from his competitor.

“Congratulations to everyone, you did great today.” And with that, coach Watanabe ended swimming practice for the day.

In the locker room, Rin and Sousuke’s tie in the match was all everyone talked about. 

“Matsuoka-senpai, you were amazing hitting the lanes today!”, Aiichiro exclaimed enthusiastically before noticing that he had cut off the taller athlete mid-sentence. “Sou-Sousuke, o-of course you were great too!!”

“Thank you, Aiirchiro”, the taller boy replied calmly.

Rin on the other hand didn’t even quite acknowledge that the silver-haired boy had complimented him. “I liked your breaststroke, Ai, but since the last time I’ve seen you perform it’s gotten less coordinated. Keep it up”, he said with a stern, but somewhat proud voice.

“Y-yes, Rin-senpai, thank you!”

“ _Your_ technique was actually surprisingly good, Sousuke”, Rin mentioned with a slight undertone of tenseness in his voice alongside roughly drying his maroon coloured hair.

From what Sousuke could tell, his former best friend had grown over the year they had spent ignoring each other; he was slowly but surely resuming to calling the raven-haired boy by his first name as opposed to his surname, and even expressed appreciation, despite executing it in a very extraordinary way.

“I appreciate that a lot, Rin”, pulling up his sweats, Sousuke added, “Wanna grab something to drink?”

“Yeah, why not”, the maroon-haired male nodded and swung his training bag over his shoulder.

The sun had already set when the taller athlete had returned from the vending machine and sank onto the bench next to his former best friend. “Rock, paper, scissors – whoever wins gets to have the Coke.”

“Rock. Paper. Scissors”, they chanted in unison.

Looking up at Sousuke, Rin was handed the can they’d battled about. “You let me win, Yamazaki.”

“What do you mean?”

The redhead bided until the fizzing sound of opening the beverage had vanished, “You always have, then as now.”

With a sigh, Sousuke calmly countered, “That’s not true, and you know it.”

Rin’s gaze was fixated on the aluminium can in his hands. “I know _she_ would’ve chosen you over me in a heartbeat.”

“I don’t want to talk about that”, Sousuke spoke in a low, yet stable voice.

For a moment, they sat in silence. Rin knew very well that their past was a very delicate topic to bring up, but he still felt like it was something he had to address.

“ _Kisu_ and I-”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!”, bursting of frustration, Sousuke sprung up and violently dashed his Sprite can into the corner. It was quite evident that this name still struck him like a lightning.

“I ended things with Kisu!”

Short of breath and visibly riled up, Rin stood facing the dark-haired boy’s back; his hands were balled to form fists, his words still echoed through the halls.

A slow, barely audible breath escaped Sousuke’s lips.

“I wasn’t in my right mind back then”, the maroon-headed boy exhaled.

Sousuke straightened himself up.

“Sousuke…”

“I’m going to bed now. Goodnight, Rin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo what do you think about Rin's and Sousuke's conversation?
> 
> cause while writing it, i felt like (ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻ all along, oops


	3. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before we start, i just wanted to thank you guys for your kudos and hits!  
> makes me really happy to see you like my story :)

Nights turned into days, days into weeks, and enemies into acquaintances. Though, Sousuke had been careful to call Rin his ‘friend’ as he’d be lying by saying that fighting wasn’t their daily fare. It exhausted him and he could tell that it was similarly debilitating to his roommate; things just weren’t as harmonious as they had been a few years ago. The raven-haired boy knew that in the long run, their dissonances were going to weigh down their physical performance which was why he had been toying with the idea of confronting his mate about the matter sooner or later.

Rin on the other hand had been training more vigorously and harder than Sousuke had ever seen him do; it almost seemed as if the redhead had been trying to blow some steam by pushing his physical boundaries. So much so, that Aiichiro had consulted the dark-haired roommate about Rin’s unusual behaviour multiple times. Opposed to his outbursts of fury though, Rin also exhibited moments of what could’ve been interpreted as friendliness, especially towards Sousuke. But that wasn’t all of it. Aside from the maroon-headed boy’s intense mood swings, Sousuke had also noticed a suspicious trend of being uncoordinated during swimming practice. And if there was single thing that the dark-haired athlete wanted to prohibit it was that Matsuoka was getting himself into trouble because of his distractedness.

“You seemed irritated at practice today, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, why shouldn’t it?”, Rin replied with the ordinary sharpness in his tone.

“Your strokes were uncoordinated.”

Mildly offended, the redhead turned to face his raven-haired roommate. “Drop it, Yamazaki.” Pulling a clean shirt over his head, the maroon-haired boy went to lean against the doorframe. “You’re not perfect either.”

“That’s not what I said”, Sousuke answered calmly.

“Just shut it, okay?”, his roommate barked.

By now, the dark-haired boy had gotten up. “Okay, enough. We are going to talk about whatever the hell is causing your obnoxious temper.”

Caught off-guard by his mate’s directness, Rin just looked at him.

“I’ve known you long enough to say that even for you, this kind of behaviour is extraordinary.” Sousuke’s voice had softened. “What’s upsetting you so much?” 

Rin sighed in annoyance. “You think I don’t notice that my times have been shit lately?”

“I think you _do_ notice. I just think you aren’t willing to look for the reason behind it.”

“So what?”, the redhead growled in a low voice and dropped on his bed, “What’s the point of being a pain in the ass about it? This is _my_ problem.”

Sousuke couldn’t help but let a sarcastic chuckle slip his lips.

“What’s so funny?”

Leaning his back against their desk, the dark-haired boy smiled statically. “You came here, Rin, out of nowhere; you haven’t even _asked_ me if I was content with you being my roommate and you talked to me about our past even though I clearly expressed revulsion towards that topic. Now, you take out whatever bothers you so much on others, including me, Nitori, and the rest of the team. You are not in Australia anymore, so snap out of it and get it back together.”

Surprised by his roommate’s harsh words, Rin didn’t quite know what to say. _You are not in Australia anymore_. That sentence hit him harder than he liked to admit; because he knew that Sousuke was right. In Australia, he’d been the centre of attention and continued to be in the Samezuka swimming team. Right now was the first time in a while that he was -despite having succeeded to enrol in Watanabe’s group- nothing more than an ordinary student. Trying hard not to lose his composure, he remained silent for a while, feeling Sousuke’s eyes on him.

“It’s not as easy for me as it is for you, Yamazaki.”

“Talk about easy to someone who’s _former_ best friend betrayed him in the worst way possible.”

His mate’s words came out wistfully and hoarse, sending a shiver of guilt down Rin’s spine. Both of them maintained the tranquillity, almost paralyzed by the tenseness of the situation. This was the first time Rin had heard Sousuke talk about their past actively, as opposed to making use of obvious innuendos. Though neither of them had liked to talk about their emotions, it had always felt more natural to dark-haired boy than to the redhead.

“Sousuke…”

“Just know that I’m trying to help, but you’re giving me a hard time doing so.”

“Because you make it seem as if there was no chance of us ever being friends again!”, Rin barked as impatience rushed over him. Without awaiting any possible response from his roommate, he continued, “You say you know me? Then why don’t you reach for my fucking hand if you see how miserably I’m failing at trying to make things better.”

Sousuke watched Rin lower his gaze, his red hair falling into his face; it reminded him of when they were younger. One childhood memory came to his mind in which the maroon-haired boy had gotten into a fight with an older student because he wanted to stand up for his friend Sousuke.

Calmly, he extended his hand towards the redhead. “You’re right, I’m not perfect either.”

Rin’s muscles tensed. For a short second, he hesitated, but then decided to reach for Sousuke’s hand, which pulled him onto his feet. For a moment, the absurd thought of being physical crossed the maroon-haired boy’s mind. Usually, hugs and anything similar made him uncomfortable, but right then, it had felt weirdly suitable.

But in the end, he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. Instead, he calmly replied with “Thanks for not giving up on me.”

The corners of Sousuke’s lips slightly arched upwards. “Glad to have you back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rin being vulnerable for once, would you look at that (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	4. “Alright, fuck it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not having updated in so long, but i've had a lot going on lately - i hope you can forgive me ._.
> 
> starting with this chapter though, we are kind of nearing some more Sourin action in the next chapters, so stay tuned for that!

Sousuke and Rin were tired.

They’d been training a lot lately, especially as they had made a habit of going to the gym together after swimming practice. And seemingly, it paid off – the redhead had been less distracted during actual class time and appeared to have calmed down a bit overall ever since the two athletes had started spending more time with each other. So much so, that even Coach Watanabe had congratulated the boys on their great work lately.

But that wasn’t exactly the reason they were so exhausted at this very moment; their reason was petite, red-haired and had knocked on their front door just past 7:00AM on their day off.

“Good morning, my dearest brother!”, Gou cheered as Rin let her in, eyes still half closed. “You two have gotten even more muscular since the last time I’ve seen you!”, she squealed in excitement, causing her brother to roll his eyes.

By now, Sousuke had sat up in his bed and squinted at the bright light that fell into their room. “Hello Gou”, looking over at his roommate he mumbled, “You didn’t mention her visiting.”

“I guess I suppressed it”, the male redhead answered jokingly.

“Hey, that’s mean!”, Gou protested, but only received a pat on the head as well as amused laughter from her older brother in return.

She smiled in return. “I haven’t seen you in such a good mood in a while…”, suddenly, Gou gasped in shock and excitement at the same time, “Say, Rin-chan, do you have a girlfriend?”

“A girlfr- no, that’d be a total waste of time”, the older Matsuoka replied, eyebrows furrowed in disregard.

The petite girl chuckled. “Maybe you should look for one at tonight’s party.”

The maroon-haired boy and his roommate, who’d climbed out of his bed by now, exchanged confused looks. “Which party?”

“This one!”, pulling out a flyer, Gou’s eyes widened in excitement, “A freaky Friday party, with free drinks till 11PM!”

Pressing the palm of his hand onto his forehead, Rin groaned. “Free drinks, I- you’re not going, Gou. Did you hear me?!”

“Please!!”

“No way.”

At this point, Sousuke intervened. “You really shouldn’t, Gou, you’re not of age. But if you’d like, I can show you around University a little bit while Rin looks for his new girlfriend.” After he’d finished his sentence, a wide smirk had appeared on the dark-haired athlete’s lips; he usually never said anything to provoke the redhead, but he found occasional teasing to be very amusing.

“I’m sick of you, both of you”, Rin replied dryly, causing Gou and Sousuke to snicker.

“So, is that a yes, Rin-chan?”

For a moment, the male redhead hesitated to answer. “No. Regardless if it’s our day off or not, Sousuke and I still have to train.”

His roommate furrowed his brows, “Don’t you think we could spare a day? I mean, Gou’s come all the way to visit.”

“Sousuke and I really shouldn’t-”

“Please?”

“Gou-”

“Please Rin!”

Exhaling in annoyance, he answered “fine”, before grabbing his gym bag, “I am going to train on my own, then.”

And before Gou had been able to point out how early in the morning it was, her brother shut the door shut behind him.

Logically, Rin hadn’t _just_ trained for the entire day; in between, he’d also finished some initial class work. But overall, he had been focused on sweating out the stir his sister had caused; at least until he’d come across Aiichiro who asked to join him for his training.

The sun started to set when the redhead was on his last laps and noticed that someone other than him had entered the natatorium. Crouching down at the edge of the pool, Sousuke watched his roommate come towards him with swift motions until he slowed down to eventually stop.

“So, how’s ‘training alone’ going?”, he asked, very aware of the fact that the silver-haired boy was out of reach to overhear their conversation.

“Save your breath”, the maroon-haired athlete groaned while he adjusted his swimming cap. “Where is Gou?”

“As we were walking around University, we crossed paths with Ichiko – you know, the girl we met at the gym. Gou really wanted to watch her during cheer practice, so I agreed.” The dark-haired boy took a short break. “You should’ve been nicer to your sister, she came to visit you all the way from home after all.”

“I know”, Rin sighed, “But the competition never sleeps, and neither do I – day-off or not.”

“What about that party tonight? Don’t you think a little bit of fun would do you good?”

Rin shot him an annoyed glance. “So I can find my new girlfriend?”

“Sorry”, Sousuke apologized comically, “But still.”

This time, he got no answer from the maroon-haired swimmer. The dark-haired boy sighed, “You’re being difficult again, what’s up with you this time?” Looking at his roommate, he added “Did Gou’s teasing really bother you _that_ much?”

Before Rin was able to snap back with an answer, Aiichiro joined their conversation. “Good evening, Yamazaki-senpai! I didn’t even see you coming in… Regardless, what are you two talking about?”, he said with a big smile on his face.

“The party”, Sousuke answered as quick as a shot. The raven-haired boy knew exactly what he was doing; Aiichiro’s admiration for Rin would surely be beneficial in trying to convince the maroon-haired athlete to attend tonight’s celebrations.

“Oh, are you two going? I’m sure it’ll be great fun!”

“Don’t think so”, the redhead replied dryly.

The silver-haired boy frowned slightly. “Why so discouraged, Rin-senpai?”

“He doesn’t want to go because he believes he should be training instead”, Sousuke clarified.

“You?”, Aiichiro looked at his maroon-haired friend in disbelief, “If there is one person that can afford to take a night off, that’s you, Rin. Besides, our next competition is a whole two months away anyways.”

Just as expected, a confidence boost as such was all Rin had needed to feel a bit better about the situation, “You’re right, thank you, Ai. …But what about Gou? Her train home leaves pretty late.”

“Such a shame Momotaro isn’t here right now”, Sousuke laughed.

Even Rin had to grin, “You’re right.”

“Rin-senpai, I have an idea regarding that, actually”, Aiichiro interrupted, “I don’t drink, so if Gou would like me to accompany her to the party, as friends, I would gladly do so”, his cheeks flushed a light shade of red, “I- uhm… I mean only, if that’s alright with you, of course.”

“Alright, fuck it”, Rin agreed dryly, “I trust you, Ai. But I’ll be breathing down your neck, so don’t you dare flirt with my sister.”


	5. "The secret of success is the constancy of purpose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for being so horrible at updating skjjsjdg ._.  
> i promise to get better from now on!
> 
> prepare for lots of sourin talks in this chapter hehe

About an hour later, Rin, Sousuke, Gou and Aiichiro found themselves surrounded by loud music and what seemed like hundreds of students.

“Alright, Gou. Wanna go dance?”, Aiichiro asked, to which the redheaded girl happily agreed.

“Just call me when you’re heading to catch your train, so I can come get you”, Rin said protectively, but followed it up with a stern “And no alcohol, you hear me?!”

She nodded and in the blink of an eye, the two younger ones had disappeared in the crowd.

“I didn’t know you were so protective of her”, Sousuke teased, “Careful, Hades, your heart is showing.”

Rin shrugged, “She’s still my younger sister and I know how _other_ boys in Ai’s age behave around girls.”

“Are you, by any chance, referring to anyone specific?”, the dark-haired athlete grinned.

Simultaneously, a smirk spread on Rin’s lips, “Good thing neither of the Mikoshiba boys are here.”

“You’re right. Hey, would you look at that – that’s Ichiko and the other cheerleading girls over there”, Sousuke smiled as a small group of girls came their way.

“Hi, Rin – Sousuke!”, they cheered -literally, “Would you like to have a drink with us?”

Just as the dark-haired boy wanted to accept their offer, Rin declined. “I don’t drink”, he answered directly.

Sousuke’s eyebrows furrowed in disbelief. “Really? Not even in Australia?”

“You’ve been to Australia? Please, you have to tell us everything about it!”, another girl named Himari interrupted excitedly.

“That sounds great and all”, surprisingly intimidated, Rin scratched the back of his neck, “But I don’t like the effect it has on me.” Truth was, he couldn’t stand the thought of giving up control. He wanted to be in charge in every situation.

“Ah come on, I’m sure we’ll have a great time”, Misaki, a student from Tokyo, smirked charmingly, “I’ll pay for extras.”

Unsure of how to decide, Rin looked at his roommate who didn’t seem reluctant to the idea. The maroon-headed boy sighed, “Okay, fine.”

A few drinks into the night, Rin was actually enjoying himself quite a bit: talking to new people, hearing nice music, and not having to worry about that much for once. _So far, this wasn’t too bad_ , he thought; asides from the fact that Misaki was getting increasingly ‘bothersome’ with every minute.

The maroon-haired boy strongly disliked any form of verbal or physical attention, if it wasn’t for his sports abilities or friends. It made him uncomfortable and he didn’t quite know how to deal with situations as such; yet, most times he was too confident and cocky to show that feeling on the outside.

“So, Matsuoka”, Misaki started again, “why are you back from Australia? Didn’t you like it there or did they kick you off the team?” Surely, what she’d said was meant to come across cheeky and her intentions of asking certainly weren’t bad ones, yet, her phrasing suffered from the amount of cheap Tequila that was circulating in her system.

Regardless of their meaning, her words had triggered something in the redhead; the feeling of failure and guilt, two emotions he particularly didn’t know how to handle.

“There’s someone- _thing_! Some _thing_ I needed to come back for”, Rin’s muscles tensed as he caught himself speaking before thinking. Fuck. _This was why he hated drinking_. “I came back to fix some things.”

In that moment, Rin’s and Sousuke’s gazes met on accident; something in his roommate’s eyes almost seemed to be asking _‘everything alright?’_. Then and there, the maroon-haired boy’s heart started to pick up pace and he quickly turned away.

“I’ll have to go get some fresh air. Alone”, he responded hastily before leaving the crowded building.

It was only when the cool air hit his face that Rin noticed how foggy his head had actually been from drinking. He took a few steps away from the lounge, to be a little more private while regaining himself. Resting his back again the concrete wall, he closed his eyes and started to in- and exhale very consciously. This exact situation had occurred to him once already – in Australia, to be specific. It had taken place during his second and last stay, on a night out with lots of pre-gaming and lots of people, and then as now, he had found himself unable to tame his words and thoughts.

“Rin.”

The redhead flinched at the sound of that oh so familiar voice.

“Everything alright?” _Bull’s eye._

“Yeah, yeah…”, he said whilst pressing the palm of his hand to his forehead, “I just think I’ve had too much to drink.”

Lifting one brow, Sousuke tried again, “Are you sure? We can leave if you’re not feeling well.”

“I’m good, it’s just- that Misaki girl was quite the nag”, he said with a sarcastic undertone, “Besides, I have to wait for Gou’s call anyways.”

“I understand”, the dark-haired boy nodded, “Mind if I join you?”

Rin smirked bitterly, “If I’m bearable enough.”

Sousuke reciprocated the grin, before he asked what his roommate and Misaki had talked about.

“Australia”, Rin spat with a hint of hurt in his voice.

“What about it?”

Recklessly, the redhead slid onto the floor, back pressed against the wall; the dark-haired boy followed. Despite the cloudy sky, the full moon was still very well visible. Out here, a few buildings away from the festivities, the sounds of the party were barely audible anymore. Instead, it was the murmur of the nearby river and the humming of car engines that were passing by that were ringing in the boys’ ears.

Out of nowhere, Rin started smiling; it was a broken smile though. “I’m such an idiot, Sousuke.”

Surprised by the bluntness of his roommate’s words, the taller male released a breathy laughter. “How come?”

“You may not realize, but I’m in my head a lot about what I did to you.”

Resting his head on his palm, Sousuke examined the redhead’s expression. Rin had never been one to talk about his feelings, but apparently a few glasses of alcohol helped him loosen up enough to open up.

“How’s that related to your time in Australia?”

_Because it all ties together_ , he thought to himself. Unsure of whether he’d just said his thoughts out loud, a cocktail of anger and mild panic bubbled up inside of him. The maroon-haired boy clenched his teeth, “I always fuck up.”

Noticing the slight change in pitch, Sousuke grew concerned, “Do you want to tell me what Misaki said?”

No. Rin didn’t want to talk, he wanted to stand up and punch the wall to release that awfully oppressing feeling he hadn’t known how to deal with ever since the regional championship. That’s what he wanted to do.

While Sousuke had been waiting for a response, the clouds had given in to the weight of the raindrops and were now releasing them in a light drizzle.

Accepting that he wasn’t going to get an answer anytime soon, the dark-haired athlete took the lead. “You know… It was actually quite hard for me to come to terms with you going to Australia for a second time”, his voice sounded soft and calm as he was fixating his gaze on the gravel beneath their feet, “Because of what happened, I never even got to say goodbye to you.”

The redhead felt a piercing sensation in his chest, but still remained silent.

“Of course, the Kisu situation hit me hard, but it was way worse to lose you.” After sparing a short moment, Sousuke looked over at Rin; he’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t hoped for an answer from his roommate.

Their silence was soon shattered by the ringing of a phone. Startled by the noise, Rin reached for his mobile. “Gou, where are you?” After a few ‘yeah’s and ‘mhm’s, he ended the call. “I’m taking her to the train station, so don’t bother waiting until I get back.”

“I’ll come with you.”

And regardless of how he was feeling inside, that’s all it took for Rin’s to crack a subtle smile.

“Goodbye, Rin-chan”, Gou murmured as Rin took her in for a tight hug.

Releasing her from his embrace, the redhead hinted a wave as he watched his sister get on the train that’d carry her home, “Take care, okay?”

It wasn’t until the train had left the station that Sousuke dared to speak up. “I’ve never seen you like this before”, the raven-haired boy smiled.

“She’s a good kid”, Rin sighed, “Never gets herself in trouble.” _Unlike me_ , he added in his head.

“I’m sorry for dragging you to a party you didn’t want to go to”, the dark-haired boy responded bluntly.

“It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Carried away with his thoughts, Rin took a seat on the bench that was situated on their platform. A cool breeze caressed his face and lifted the few strands of ruby-colored hair that were hanging into his vision off of his skin as his eyes fixated on the rundown train tracks.

Sousuke had never seen the maroon-haired athlete this calm before. It was somewhat intriguing, yet for the most part nothing but mesmerizing.

“I have never told you the reason for my return, have I…?”

The taller boy gently shook his head before slowly sinking onto the free spot next to his roommate.

“There is a quote that says ‘ _the secret of success is the constancy of purpose'"_ , for a short moment he paused, as if he was trying to regain the strength to continue, “and I had already lost my purpose when I arrived in Australia.”

Silence.

“I didn’t have much of a choice, to be honest”, the redhead said with a bitter smile lingering on his lips. “I didn’t perform as expected. I failed. I‘d been distracted and failed at what I should do best, so…”

“…they took you off the team”, Sousuke added, the wistfulness in his voice clearly audible.

“Yeah”, Rin said, so breathy that it was barely more than a whisper. “When I told my host family, they were devastated to hear that I had to return to Japan, and so was I.”

Without saying a word, the taller boy gently placed his hand on Rin’s shoulder. Noticing how his roommate tensed under his touch, Sousuke studied his face; the redhead’s expression was hard to interpret, though it seemed as if he’d battled this very topic for quite some time and was now exhausted from discussing it.

“I’m there for you, whenever you need me.”

And just like that, it burst out of him. “I don’t _need_ anyone’s help!”, Rin barked, his body tense as tears welled up in his eyes. Embarrassed of his lack of self-control, he angrily wiped away his tears and pressed the palms of his hands onto his eye sockets; just like he’d done during his childhood when he’d lost a swimming match. But Sousuke was reminded of the moment before their regional relay, when he’d told the redhead that he would stop swimming.

Just like back then, the dark-haired boy couldn’t help but put on a crooked smile.

To the outside world, Rin might’ve seemed to have an untameable hurricane-personality, but in reality, he had a child’s heart beating inside of his chest; fluttering like a bird that was learning to fly, still so full of dreams and expectations that ended up irritating him whenever they didn’t work out the way he wanted them to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw thank you guys so much for 120+ hits so far, really means a lot <3


	6. “I’ll show you a sight you’ve never seen before.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a lot more explicit, but i guess i’m just a tease oopsie. still tho, this is basically Sousuke’s “”wet”” (hehe) dream about his roommate – enjoy!

It was pretty late when they got back to the party, but it seemed like even more people were there _now_ than before they’d left. Sousuke wasn’t sure how long they’d been back, but one thing he was certain about was that his head was spinning from the loud music and the stifling air inside the hall. Trying to get rid of said feeling, the dark-haired boy squinted his eyes; unfortunately, without any success.

It was only then when he realized that Rin wasn’t next to him anymore. Slightly dizzy he looked around, trying to make out the redhead within the large crowd.

“Looking for a new girlfriend?”

To Sousuke’s surprise it was Rin who’d hijacked the taller boy’s aka Gou’s joke.

“Rin”, he furrowed his eyebrows, “I could’ve sworn, I didn’t see you co-”

Running his fingers through his maroon coloured hair, the shorter boy sneered at him, “How about a late-night swimming session? You’ll have no chance beating me this time.”

Sousuke paused to examine his roommate’s body language; the redhead was shooting him direct gazes and maintained prolonged eye contact which was _very_ untypical of him. Besides that, something about his voice seemed off, somehow.

“Scared of losing against me _once again_ , Yamazaki?”, the he teased.

Again, the dark-haired boy furrowed his brows in disbelief. He couldn’t have _possibly_ referred to the Kisu-incident…? No, he couldn’t have; at least that’s what the taller athlete told himself.

_How could he ever be scared of Rin_ , Sousuke thought to himself, _after how he’d seen him at the train station._ The dark-haired boy forced a breathy chuckle, “Never.”

“Well then, let’s go”, the ginger suggestively tilted his head in the direction of the exit, the wide smirk still lingering on his lips.

They made their way over to the practice hall in a haze, careful not to stumble over their own two feet. Eagerly fumbling with the handle of the heavy door, the redhead managed to open it a few moments later.

When they entered the natatorium, they were faced with complete darkness; the only source of light was the full moon that shed a faint luminescence through the large windows of the hall. The water was motionless and pitch black, and almost acted as a mirror by reflecting the shimmering moonlight.

“Judging from how drunk we both are, this is already a bad idea to begin with”, the raven-haired athlete mumbled bluntly, “but don’t you think that _if_ we’re gonna go through with this, we should at least go and get our swimming trunks?”

“What’s the need?”, the redhead answered, his voice sounding hoarse and strangely dominant. The next second, his shirt landed on the floor.

“Rin”, Sousuke tensed as his roommate took slow and elongated steps in his direction. The dimmed incidence of the moonlight accentuated Rin’s muscular torso by illuminating his toned shoulders. An unfamiliar feeling spread in the taller boy’s chest.

“Less talking, more undressing”, the ginger barked in a low, yet determined matter.

As his skilled fingers aimed to unbutton Sousuke’s shirt, the dark-haired athlete felt his heartbeat pick up pace immediately; it was almost as if his body was preparing for a fight or flight situation. His roommate’s hands were virtually radiating heat as they roughly pushed the thin fabric off his shoulders, maintaining deeply captivating eye contact. The scorching fire that was flaring in Rin’s vision seemed close to inhumane and was dangerously similar to what Sousuke had seen in his rival’s eyes the day their ways had parted, but he just couldn’t avert his gaze.

_Maybe that was the exact reason he couldn’t look away._

“Are you scared?”, Rin’s voice sounded low and dangerous as it echoed through the natatorium.

Sousuke’s jaw tensed as the shorter athlete minimized the distance between them, their breaths becoming shallower by the second. An exorbitant number of thoughts shot through the dark-haired boy’s head while his adrenaline levels reached a high they’d never met before; eventhough all they had engaged in was eye contact, the room around them felt like it was a thousand degrees hot.

“Should I be?”, he exhaled daringly, almost exhausted from all the tension.

The redhead smirked widely, showing off his polished, sharp teeth as his warm breath hit Sousuke’s skin.

In the next moment, their lips crashed in a demanding, almost harsh kiss. As the Rin’s fingers reached for his roommate’s dark hair in a rough manner, Sousuke’s hands gripped the back of the ginger’s neck to pull him closer into their movements. The pressing together of their bodies resulted in an unfamiliar yet unbearably intense sensation, sending shivers down the taller athlete’s spine. Short of breath, Rin detached his lips from his rival’s before grazing his canines down the dark-haired boy’s neck. Sousuke had felt quite overheated already but seemed to start incandescing as his mate’s tongue traced hot circles onto the crook of his neck.

Letting his head fall to the back, the raven-haired closed his eyes. Neither did he know why he let his alleged best friend and roommate do this to him, nor why he enjoyed it so much, but he just decided to go with it – he was drunk, after all. Gripping the shorter boy’s hips, he gave them a firm squeeze and received a small groan from his partner in response; this sparked a glimmer of recklessness inside of him, encouraging him to nudge his face into the crook of Rin’s neck, taking in the faint smell of cologne.

Aside from the fact that they’d never looked at each other in _that_ way, being this close to his roommate felt not only strange but more so invasive, given the fact that they’d returned to each other’s lives only a few weeks ago. A short wave of panic washed over Sousuke as he started to consider the possible consequences of his actions. _I might’ve just ruined the fragile friendship Rin and I built_ , he thought to himself, _but maybe I just discovered something much more important instead_.

Though his anxiety levels had secretly peaked, the temptation to do something he shouldn’t do outweighed his worries. He exhaled against his roommate’s skin before lightly breaking the readhead’s skin.

Slightly tilting his head, Rin released a strong breath that filled with lust and what Sousuke interpreted as approval. In the next second though, he pulled away to shoot him a glistening glare.

“I’ll show you a sight you’ve never seen before.”

After eagerly rasping his sentence, he pushed the raven-haired boy away from him, causing Sousuke to lose balance and tumble into the ink-coloured water. As he submerged, goose bumps spread on his skin like a wildfire. Everything around him was dark, the only light that caught his eye were the sparks flying in Rin’s captivating gaze, setting a subtle glow to his skin. The maroon-coloured strands of hair that usually framed his angular face in a straight way seemed almost like they were floating in complete weightlessness. This gave the ginger a much warmer, almost comforting and inviting look.

_Rin had been right; this was indeed a sight he’d never seen before._

It fascinated Sousuke so much that he aimed to open his mouth wanting to say something, but immediately decided against it as they were still underwater. Instead, he reached out to graze over the redhead’s upper arm who responded with a short gasp, judging from the air bubbles he’d released through the corners of his mouth.

Then suddenly, everything faded into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know most of who read this fic are rather quiet supporters, but i'd like to thank you all for sticking with me :)
> 
> if you ever feel like leaving a comment though, please feel free to do so- i'd appreciate it x


	7. “I was wondering whether you’d want to go out again sometime.”

Sousuke jumped awake. Breathing heavily, he sat up in his bunk bed and pressed his palm onto his forehead that was damp with sweat.

Looking around in his room, he realized that the sun had already risen and was shining through the blinds, meaning it must’ve been morning already. _Thank god, what happened last night was all a dream_ , he thought to himself as the weight of the world was lifted off of his shoulders. Noticing the rather tight feeling in his boxer briefs though, a string of silent curses left his lips.

“Good morning, tippler.”

The second the dark-haired boy acknowledged his roommate’s presence he clutched his blanket close to his chest. “R-Rin, good morning”, he croaked, before trying to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.

Raising an eyebrow, the redhead crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the doorframe. “What’s up with you? Had a hangover dream?”

_Well_ , Sousuke thought to himself, _not exactly_. “Yeah, I guess”, he answered still a little bit drowsy, “What time is it?”

“It’s 02:30 p.m., we slept all morning.” Examining the strange look on the raven-haired boy’s face, he added “Whatever is up with you, you better get over it fast” before looking at his phone. “Watanabe wants us to be at practice in an hour. I guess he changed his mind about having a few days off”, he shrugged.

Sousuke tensed as he still had the _minor problem_ in his pants to take care of. “Y-yeah, I’ll be right there.”

An ice-cold shower and an outfit change later, the dark-haired boy was ready for swimming practice; at least he thought so.

As they entered the natatorium, Sousuke was hit by a flashback of his dreams that had taken place in his very hall. Furrowing his eyebrows as he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, he stepped in line with his roommate and their other swimming colleagues and waited for Coach Watanabe to call out his name. He really tried his best to tame his mind but having the redhead next to him act as a constant reminder of last night’s pleasure certainly wasn’t helping.

“Matsuoka Rin, Yamazaki Sousuke.”

“Yes!”, Rin answered with determination in his voice while the dark-haired boy responded with a small delay. He _did try_ to stay focused, he really did; it just didn’t quite work out as planned.

Over the course of the last few hours, Coach Watanabe had let them do laps in their specialty swim styles and had now paired them up, once again, to compete against one another in a randomly chosen category as a part of their training. This time though, Sousuke was assigned to swim against a boy named Nakamura Itso while Rin competed against Aiichiro.

The redhead and the silver-haired boy were to contend against each other right before it was Sousuke’s turn, so he spent the last moments before diving into the water watching his two comrades. Aiichiro’s breaststroke had gotten better since the maroon-haired boy had last critiqued him but comparing it to Rin’s just wasn’t fair; it was something about the preciseness of his movements that only a few people could live up to.

“Yamazaki, Nakamura, get ready”, Coach Watanabe commanded as the team prior to Sousuke and Itso came close to finishing their race, the redhead clearly being in the lead.

“Go!”

But the second the Coach’s voice had called out for Sousuke to start, his eyes locked on something that would cause him to freeze in his position; a bruise on Rin’s neck. Unable to move and therefore prone to fail his match, the dark-haired boy gaped at the faint shimmer of purple on his roommate’s skin. _Had what happened last night not been a dream after all…?_

“Yamazaki, didn’t you hear me?!”, their Coach repeated, now with more anger in his voice.

The raven-haired boy flinched and dove in, still in trance about what he’d just witnessed. He tried his best to catch up with Nakamura but struggled to do so with his mind still unable to process the hickey on his best friend’s neck. _He must’ve bumped into something while drunk_ , he tried to convince himself as his stomach started to churn.

Guesstimating how far ahead his competitor was, Sousuke caught a glimpse of the redhead standing at the other end of the pool. His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and disbelief as he watched the dark-haired boy fail, Nitori standing next to him to cheer at Sousuke. But the dark-haired boy completely masked out the screams and cheers, knowing he had already lost; he’d lost to a swimmer who was without a doubt one of the weaker ones of the team.

Finishing his lap despite arriving at the end of the lane long after his competitor, Sousuke pushed himself out of the water before taking off his swimming googles.

“What was that, Yamazaki?”, Coach Watanabe shouted, “You looked like you were struggling not to drown!”

“I’m sorry, Coach”, he breathed, fully aware of his failure.

Watanabe paused to examine the raven-haired boy’s face. “Is everything okay? Are you feeling sick?”

Sousuke swallowed; he knew it wasn’t very honourable to lie to his coach but considering his current situation it felt like the easiest solution. “My shoulder hurts, and it cramped up during the match.”

“I see”, Coach Watanabe nodded, well aware of the taller athlete’s history of injuries. Standing behind him, Rin’s eyes held a hint of worry.

“Pay a visit to the nurse, then. I hope to have you back fully operational in two days?”

The dark-haired boy nodded contently, “Thank you, Coach. I will do better once I feel better.”

After the incident at swimming practice the dark-haired boy had decided to take a walk around campus in order to recollect himself. A good hour had passed since then, yet still, he wasn’t able to get over what he’d seen. _This couldn’t be true_ , he told himself as he twirled a blade of grass in between his fingers. They weren’t drunk enough to not remember what had happened last night. Then though, a shocking realization sent a shiver down the taller athlete’s spine: what if Rin _did_ remember?

“Sousuke!”

As the dark-haired boy turned around to see who had called his name, he was met by a set of chocolate brown eyes. “Ichiko, hi.”

“Good afternoon”, nervously fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, the cheerleader looked up at him.

“So… is there anything I can help you with?”

“Ah-”, Ichiko reacted startled as a slight blush rose to her cheeks, “I- I- uhm…”

Sousuke’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

After having recollected herself, the stammering female squinted her eyes shut before blurting out a string of words the raven-haired athlete could not quite decipher at first.

“What I wanted to say is- uhm-“, she stuttered before lowering her gaze and raising her voice, “I really enjoyed your company last night and I was wondering whether you’d want to go out again sometime!”

Sousuke smiled, but internally sighed. “That’s very kind of you, Ichiko, but I have a lot of class work to do. Besides, I pulled a muscle during practice today and can’t risk Coach Watanabe seeing me like that.”

“Oh, I understand”, she answered a little softer, “But I could come to your dorm room with you!”

“Uhm.”

“Uh- f-for schoolwork of course!”, Ichiko added hastily and with a smile on her lips, despite her flushed skin.

This was one of those situations where Sousuke cursed his good nature; despite knowing that he’d mimic false interest by inviting her, he still chose not to decline as turning her down would mean hurting her feelings.

“Sure, why not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo, what do you think about the 'bruise' on Rin's neck? reality or just wishful thinking?? ;)
> 
> also, sorry for the catfish-y title; i promise, there'll be more Sourin action soon hehe.
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	8. "It's complicated."

“Good job, Ai.”

Rin smiled lightly as he high fived the shorter athlete.

“Thank you, senpai! You were great too.”

Drying off his wet hair, the redhead paused as his content expression faded. “Thanks, but I’m quite concerned about Yamazaki, to be honest.”

The silver-haired boy furrowed his eyebrows compassionately, “From what I overheard, he injured his shoulder during practice today.”

“That bastard”, Rin barked, “It’s always the same with him. He never stops when he should; always needs to play the hero.”

“But Matsuoka-senpai-”

“We’ve had that before, don’t you remember? In High School, it was the day of the regional championship.” Zipping up his training jacket, he added, “He basically disqualified himself by keeping quiet, and he’s doing it all over again.”

“But we still have a little more than a month until our next competition”, a sigh of worry left Aiichiro’s lips, “Please try not to worry too much.”

After slamming his locker shut, Rin calmly replied with, “How can I not worry too much when he lost a match against the weakest link of our team?”

And without another word the redhead left the changing room. 

“You make delicious green tea, Sousuke!”

The only response the dark-haired boy exerted was a crooked smile. After almost an hour of Ichiko distracting him from doing his class work, his conversation capacities were pretty depleted. He’d been trying to tell her that she’d have to leave as soon as Rin returned from practice, but either she didn’t want to acknowledge his moves, or she actually didn’t get the hint.

“You know, not only your tea is great”, the cheerleader purred and melted onto the table, her cheeks still tinted in a nervous crimson.

“Thanks, but-”

The dark-haired boy was interrupted mid-sentence by the front door swinging open. A second later, a rather grouchy-looking Rin entered the dorm room.

“What is _she_ doing here?”, he said with a snarky tone in his voice as he dropped his sports bag on the floor next to their bunkbed.

“I- I- …I was just-”

“No _bimbos_ in our room, you know that, Sousuke.”

The redhead shot him a harried glare which caused the dark-haired boy to furrow his eyebrows, “Rin, that wasn’t very nice-”

“Now to you”, the ginger crossed his arms in front of his chest and clenched his teeth as he scowled at the shorter girl. Still calm, he said “You’re not even allowed in the boys’ dormitory, so get the hell out of my room.”

Heavily intimidated and with a crimson flush to her face, Ichiko hastily got up while clutching her books to her chest. Before leaving, she shot Sousuke another gaze. “So, I’ll see you around, I guess.”

And that was the end of their conversation because after that sentence Rin shut the door behind her.

“Well, _someone’s_ in a bad mood”, the dark-haired boy commented, “What was that about?”

“Funny that you’d ask that, I actually wanted to ask you the same.” By now, Rin’s tone had gotten more waspish and tarter, “Skipping practice to get with Ichiko now?”

Sousuke’s jaw tensed. “Relax, she only joined me to study.”

The redhead laughed derogatively before taking off his shirt to change, “I’ll take that as a yes then.”

The dark-haired athlete sighed; he couldn’t stand this side of his roommate. Rin had overall gotten better at not snapping at people, but this was an exception to the general trend of amelioration.

“Did you at least have fun with her?”

The taller boy didn’t answer, his gaze once again resting on his friend’s now exposed neck. _That damn hickey_ , he thought to himself, _that’s what caused all of this in the first place_.

“You’re staring”, Rin stated sharply, causing his roommate to flinch lightly.

“Sorry”, Sousuke cleared his throat, “I ran into her after practice. She basically asked me out and I declined, so when she asked if she could join me for class work, I didn’t want to refuse again.”

“You think I believe a sappy story like that after you lied to me about your shoulder once again?”, the redhead snickered deprecatingly, “You think I believe you after telling me you were fine and then having to drop out of practice because of the pain?”

A sigh fell from the other boy’s lips, “Well, I did lie, but I lied about the pain; to get out of practice, per say.”

“You- what?”, Rin harrumphed as his eyebrows furrowed in disbelief, “Why would you lie to Watanabe? He’d kill you if he found out.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Well, no shit”, the redhead groaned as he shot him a captivating glare, “Why are you keeping so much from me, all of a sudden? I thought we were friends.”

A cold shiver ran down Sousuke’s spine. Lowering his gaze, he said, “I thought so too, but I don’t think we are _.” I think this is more than friendship_ , the dark-haired boy added in his mind.

The redhead gasped in shock. “What the fuck, Sou, you’re not making any sense right now”, he huffed in anger.

For a second, they remained silent; _‘Sou’_ , Rin’s childhood nickname for the taller boy, still echoing through the dark-haired athlete’s head.

“Say, Rin. Why did you kiss Kisu back then? Why did you break our rule?”

The maroon-headed boy’s expression shifted from irritation to concern. If Sousuke would’ve faced him, he’d have seen that the ginger’s eyes were now full of guilt and regret.

With his heartbeat picking up pace, he choked on his breath. “I can’t tell you. It would change everything.”

He was lightly shaking, praying that his roommate couldn’t tell how afraid he was at this very moment; one wrong word and he’d ruin everything. Carefully examining his friend’s body language, he paused and took a breath. Never in a million years would he be brave enough to confess his reasons.

“Very well”, the taller boy got up from his chair, “But don’t expect me to act a certain way when you don’t even live up to your own expectations.”

Just as the raven-haired boy was about to turn the doorknob, Rin grabbed onto his wrist. As Sousuke turned his head to look back at his roommate, their eyes met. Something sparked inside their chests that had both of them wondering whether the other was experiencing the same.

“Rin…”

Frozen in position and still unable to form a sentence, the redhead held on to the other’s hand like letting go now would mean letting go forever. His lips parted as if he was going to say something but swallowed, and remained silent after all; he couldn’t, for the life of him, force a word out of his throat. Instead, he slowly loosened his grip around the taller boy’s wrist and exhaled shakily.

With his muscles tensed and his heartbeat picking up pace, the other athlete watched as his roommate decreased the distance between them. _Was Rin really about to…?_

As Sousuke lost himself in his best friend’s eyes, a feeling which was commonly known as ‘the butterflies’ awakened in his body. _Was this the right decision to make, or had he been completely misreading his roommate’s signs all along?_ A million possible scenarios rushed through his mind and he bordered losing grip on reality again; but he couldn’t and _mustn’t_ spiral this time.

Determined yet soft, he took a step in Rin’s direction and carefully cupped his face with his hands. The redhead didn’t move, instead he simply looked at Sousuke; his gaze was so pure and innocent that the taller boy feared he’d fall apart if he let go.

Softly, he stroked his thumb over Rin’s cheek once before he closed his eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

A wave of warm sweat washed over him, leaving him shivering from the new sensation. Of course, Sousuke had kissed girls before, but it was nothing compared to this feeling. This felt new but more _dangerous_ , and somewhat forbidden; they were supposed to be _only_ friends, after all.

After a fleeting moment though, the redhead pulled away though.

By now, his facial expression heavily differed from the former; right now, he looked nothing but shocked and disgusted. Shakily touching the edge of his own lips, his eyebrows furrowed in anger as tears welled up in his eyes.

The dark-haired boy had expected a lot of reactions, but certainly not this one. Nothing in this world could’ve prepared him for the bitterness and hurt that burned in Rin’s gaze.

And before Sousuke had been able to react, the redhead had stormed out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rin is being difficult once again skjkdjf but i PROMISE the next few chapters will do our Sourin hearts justice hehe


	9. “Being sober I’m too much of a damn coward.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, i hope you're all doing great :)
> 
> finally, another update! once more, adult drinking is involved in this chapter- i think you might be able to see a trend here, oopsie... it’s not excessive though, only to have Rin relaxed enough to be honest ;)
> 
> i also revised the tags, in case you want to check that out - but now, enjoy the chapter x

Things had been different after the kiss.

Whether it was during swim practice, Uni classes or everyday dorm life, Rin had been very distant towards the taller athlete; he’d even gone as far as applying for a roommate change. His request had been denied though, as at this time of the year switching rooms wasn’t possible. Yet, regardless of having to share a room with Sousuke, the redhead went out of his way to avoid who used to be his best friend. He left their room before the dark-haired boy woke up and only returned past midnight, when his mate had long been sleeping. During practice, the ginger made sure to pair up with Aiichiro or another teammate, so he’d be spared from having to compete against the raven-haired boy.

They basically lived separate lives, alongside each other.

Sousuke had been different though, at least in the beginning. He had tried to clear the air with his friend, but Rin had always turned his back on him when he’d tried too persistently. Eventually, even the ever so patient raven-haired athlete gave up and started focusing on his own performance rather than their personal discrepancies; they had their first big competition coming up, after all.

However, he’d be lying if he claimed it didn’t hurt like hell to not have any contact to the redhead.

What he didn’t know was that the ginger himself felt awfully similar.

Because they just didn’t communicate; until they were forced to.

It was after their final practice before their first competition that Coach Watanabe put up the room pairings for the hotel they’d be staying in. As neither Rin nor Sousuke had had a say in this decision, none of both were satisfied when they ended up being hotel roommates. It almost seemed like it was fate trying to reunite the two rivals; or maybe just a very observant and considerate coach.

Rin had in no way been in the mood to be stuck in a hotel room with Sousuke for a total of four days, especially since he had no efficient way to run off this time. Of course, he would’ve been able to go to town or jogging, but since the weather was terrible and they were situated half an hour away from the next city, his choices were pretty limited.

On the brighter side of things though, their next day’s practice only started in the afternoon which is why Coach Watanabe had allowed his students to go have ‘only a drink or two’; they were college students after all.

“Fuck no, I’m not doing this again”, Rin barked silently as his other teammates cheered in euphoria.

“What’s wrong, Rin?”, a boy named Saito Akio teased, “Afraid of a nightmare hangover?”

Exhaling in annoyance, he spat “Shut it, Saito”.

“Come on, this is going to be fun”, another teammate laughed, “Last time you got drunk you even earned yourself a hickey!”

In this moment, both Sousuke and Rin froze in awkward silence. Luckily, they weren’t standing next to each other because if they would’ve, the redhead’s angered blushing and the taller boy’s averted gaze might’ve seemed a little suspicious.

Sousuke still didn’t know whether he’d _really_ been the creator of said hickey or whether he’d been obsessing over a rather extraordinary bruise, but it was safe to say that it had him a little abashed.

“Drop it, will you”, the redhead hissed, earning laughter from his colleagues.

“Okay, okay, steady! I’ll stop teasing if you join us for drinks.”

Rolling his eyes, the ginger gave in, “Fine.”

Contrary to expectations, Rin was among the last boys to head back to the hotel; to be exact, _he and Sousuke_ were the last to leave. For the dark-haired boy though, it was more of a conscious decision, maybe even a protective measure to take the same train as the redhead. Despite their current differences, he still didn’t want his _very_ intoxicated friend to be alone on his way home.

The ride back to their accommodation was as rough as any ride home from a night out that involved one too many drinks. Opposed to the usual effect of alcohol on the ginger though, he’d been strangely talkative this time, asking the raven-haired boy about his shoulder surgery, alleged past hook-ups with girls, and his relations with Ichiko.

_Ichiko_ \- Sousuke wondered why Rin was running his mind on a girl he’d only talked to a handful of times.

“Do you have a lighter?”, was the first thing the redhead said when they got home.

Sousuke furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief, “You smoke?”

“Occasionally”, Rin answered bluntly, “Yes or no?”

The dark-haired boy looked at him for a second before fumbling around in his pockets to hand over a small, black lighter.

“Big words for someone who puffs in secret, too”, Rin smirked, “I knew you did, I smelt it in your breath this morning.”

Given how tipsy he was, the raven-haired boy didn’t even care to ask _how_ he knew how his breath had smelt. All he cared about was his roommate finally talking to him again.

Opening the door to their small balcony and leaning against its frame, the ginger asked, “You want a drag?”

“Yeah”, Sousuke replied without second thought. It was only then when he noticed that taking a drag meant placing the same cigarette that was now resting between Rin’s lips in between his own. “You should stop smoking”, he added in a hoarse voice as he made his way over to the shorter boy.

Inhaling another lung-full of smoke, Rin watched his friend attentively. “I _should_ do a lot of things, Sousuke, but that doesn’t mean I _want_ to.” Removing the cigarette from his mouth, he exhaled the residual smoke and handed it over to his mate.

As the dark-haired boy took a drag, the ginger’s gaze was glued to his lips, hungrily observing their every move just like a coyote stalking his prey. _What is he thinking_ , it echoed through Sousuke’s fogged head as he reciprocated the other’s look in a less intense way. By now, both of them were leaning to opposite sides of the doorframe, just gazing at each other.

“You look hot when you smoke.”

Tipsy enough to not get nervous, the taller boy exhaled calmly. “And you are embarrassingly honest when you’re drunk.”

The only response he received was a smug chuckle.

Moving closer to Rin, the dark-haired boy leaned over to look at the redhead, steadying himself with one hand that was placed on the doorframe, right above the ginger’s head.

“What, no _‘shut up, Yamazaki, I’m not drunk’_?”, Sousuke teased, comically mimicking his roommate, “So far, every time you said you weren’t going to drink you ended up _hammered_.”

By now, they were so close that the smoke Rin was exhaling grazed over the taller boy’s cheeks, the chemicals lightly irritating his eyes.

“Well observed, Sou. Guess I was never one to withstand temptations.”

This time, Sousuke’s heart picked up pace.

Rin dropped the cigarette butt to floor and ground it under his heel before snaking his arms around the taller athlete’s neck, bringing their foreheads together. Their eye contact was flaming, scorching almost, and at this point the tension was almost unbearable for either of them.

“Rin”, Sousuke breathed almost warningly as he maintained position, but averted his gaze.

The smug grin still lingering on his lips as his fingers grazed over the other’s neck, the redhead ordered, “ _Less talking_.”

_More undressing_ , Sousuke added in his mind. At the memorized sound of these well-acquainted words goose bumps arose on his body. Having a hard time to restrain himself, the dark-haired boy tensed. “Stop it, you’re not in your right mind.”

“That was the plan”, Rin growled in a low voice before crashing their lips together.

Swallowed by the sudden wave of dopamine washing over him, Sousuke closed his eyes and reciprocated. After a second though, he realized what he’d been doing. Gasping in shock, the dark-haired boy attempted to pull away, not wanting to do anything Rin would blame him for when he was sober again, but he was unsuccessful as the redhead only brought him back in closer. Silently exhaling, his tongue slipped in between his roommate’s lips, making both of them lightly shiver at the new sensation.

By now, the taller boy’s head was spinning and he was losing track of what was happening around him. _Was Rin really kissing him right now? The same Rin that had been ignoring him ever since their lips had first touched?_

Trying to get his thoughts straight, he broke the kiss to look at the ginger. “You’re drunk”, he said in a low tone with his chest rising in heavy breaths, as if he wanted to make it clear _how much_ the redhead was going to regret this later.

“Yeah, I intended to be”, Rin exhaled, his hair falling into his vision in the heat of the moment. 

“What?”

The shorter athlete groaned of frustration and headed inside, waiting for the dark-haired boy to follow. When he finally did, he said “Being sober I’m too much of a damn coward.”

“Too much of a coward to… kiss me?”, Sousuke asked as he wiped his damp hair out of his vision.

Rin sighed in frustration. “Remember me breaking our rule with Kisu?”

“Certainly do.”

“Well”, squinting his eyes shut, the redhead pressed his palm to his forehead in angered embarrassment, “I never _actually_ kissed Kisu. I just couldn’t stand the thought of leaving for Australia and _you two_ being-”

As Rin broke off, both remained silent for a moment.

_…The thought of you two being together?_

Their tranquillity was soon broken though, when he added a small “Nevermind”.

The taller boy looked at the redhead, trying to fathom what he had just said. Lips slightly ajar, he just stared; Rin had really ended their yearlong friendship because he couldn’t stand the thought of not getting what he wanted. _Because back then, it seemed impossible to achieve_.

“Let’s change topics”, the ginger hissed, his insecurity clearly audible in his voice.

“Rin, you…”, the dark-haired boy paused as anger boiled up inside of him, “You ended our friendship _only_ because you didn’t have the guts to tell me how you felt?!”

His voice was loud, yet low and made the shorter athlete tense. He’d never seen Sousuke this angry; clearly the alcohol flowing through their veins contributed to the heat of their argument.

“You know what”, the redhead growled through gritted teeth, “Forget I ever said anything.”

“No!”, Sousuke barked and bolted towards the younger boy, harshly pinning him to the wall to shoot him a look that pierced right through him. “You are not fucking closing off on me again, I’m sick of your ignorance!”

Suddenly, their conflict was silenced by a knock on their door.


	10. “More than a friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends!
> 
> i had to take a little break to work through mild writer's block, but i'm back and (i hope) that i'm back to stay! i saw that this fic has 300+ hits as of now and i just wanted to thank you all so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos - seeing that you enjoy my story means the world to me <3 
> 
> this chapter is one of my favorites so far, so i hope you find equal joy in reading as i did in writing :)
> 
> hint: our two favorite boys get emotional.

“We are deeply sorry. I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

Shutting the door, Sousuke closed his eyes and sighed as he leaned against it.

“Sou, I’m-“

“Don’t.”

And those were the last words the dark-haired boy spoke to the redhead that night; they didn’t even wish each other a restful sleep before turning off the lights. Rin was certain that he’d be given a taste of his own medicine, the silent treatment which is why he had given up on starting a conversation with the older boy and was now letting himself be absorbed in his thoughts instead.

His head was still lightly spinning from all the drinks they’d had, as well as from what had happened between himself and his roommate. Had it been right to initiate a kiss? Should he not have had drinks at all? Was his friendship with the taller boy going down the drain this very moment?

Rin flinched at the sound of a door opening. Sitting up in his bed, he watched the raven-haired boy step onto their balcony before leaning against the door frame, lighting yet another cigarette as he gazed at the sea. His physique was graciously framed by the faint moonlight, shedding just enough light to accentuate his toned muscles.

Slowly, the redhead got up, his mind still slightly foggy, as he joined his roommate on his smoke, just like he’d done a few hours earlier.

“Why are you still up?”, he asked, voice as small as his hopes to clear the air before tomorrow morning.

“I wanted to be alone”, he said, his exhale almost sounding like a sigh. “But I guess I can forget about that now.”

Rin kept his mouth shut. Even though he and Sousuke had been separated for quite some time, he knew the dark-haired boy better than anyone else in his life. Despite being the loudmouthed one out of the two, the ginger knew very well when his commentary was intolerable and when not to neglect the taller boy’s defense mechanisms. Eventhough Sousuke was indeed one to enjoy conversations, he hated having them forced onto him when he wasn’t leading them.

“Why are _you_ up, then?”, the raven-haired athlete added after a while.

“I couldn’t sleep”, Rin sighed and reached for the pack of cigarettes that was laying on the small table on their balcony. Before he was able to get a hold of it though, the other boy snagged it away from him.

“I can’t let you smoke that much”, he paused. “If there’s one of us that might _actually_ make it as a swimmer, it’s you, after all. I can’t let you sabotage yourself like that.”

Clenching his jaw, the redhead looked up at the dark-haired boy. This was the kind of behavior, the kind of _protective_ behavior that made the ginger hold on to his hopes that deep in his heart, his roommate saw him as more than just his best friend after all.

Once again, Rin sighed. “Don’t say that, you know it’s not true.”

“It is”, Sousuke took another drag of his cigarette, “First of all, my shoulder relapses every few months and secondly, I don’t want this _anywhere near_ as much as you do. I never have.”

“If you don’t want this at all, then why are you here?”

“I guess it’s because I’ve found comfort in it all my life.”

His heart picked up pace as a hot wave of sweat washed over the redhead. _Could Sousuke have possibly been using their swimming careers as a metaphor for their relationship?_ The shorter athlete furrowed his eyebrows in frustration as anger bubbled up inside of him.

“So, I’m no more than _comfort_ to you?!”, it burst out of Rin, his voice loud and sharp.

“I never even _mentioned_ you, Rin”, Sousuke looked over at the redhead, a dry smile lingering on his lips, “But it’s kind of cute how worked up you get over thinking you’re _only_ _comfort_ to me.”

“What is cute about that?”, the ginger spat as his cheeks flushed a bright red.

“It makes me think you care.”

They stood in silence for a moment, both of them averting their gazes. This situation was new to the two; the air carried tension, but it was very dissimilar from ordinary nervousness or stress. Eventhough it was somewhat unsettling, it felt more like anticipation or a simmering with excitement for something to happen.

“Why did you kiss me after our last fight?”

Still gazing at the majestic sea in front of them, the taller boy tightened his grip around the railing. “I felt like you wanted me to. But you made it very clear I misread your signs.”

The ginger felt a sharp sting in his chest. Violently biting down on his tongue, he roamed his mind for something to say.

“I’m sorry-”, he spurted out, the volume of his voice way out of range for how they’d been talking. As a slight blush rose to his cheeks, he continued more calmly, “I didn’t mean to react that way.”

“Are you sure about that? You’ve been actively avoiding me ever since.”

Silence.

“You know, Rin, it’s not easy being around you; it’s exhausting, actually. One day I feel like things are going well between us but the next day you might have already erased me from your life completely.”

“Sousuke-”

“I’m sick of trying to pull you closer to me, when all you do it push me away”, he breathed sounding almost exhausted as he slightly slumped down on the railing, his muscles finally relaxing. “If you haven’t re-entered my life to stay, I’m asking you to leave.”

Goose bumps arose on the ginger’s skin and his chest ached, the taller boy’s words piercing right through him like a million tiny needles. Short of breath and with silent tears welling up in his eyes, he whispered, “Why do you think I came back from Australia this time?”

Sousuke froze, certain that his heart had skipped a beat. It was now making up for it though, racing and threatening to break out of his chest. “Don’t say something you don’t mean”, he breathed quietly, partly to cover up the shakiness in his voice, and partly because he was scared of being hurt again.

“I mean it”, by now, thick round tears were rolling down Rin’s cheeks. As much as the taller boy hated to see his best friend cry, he was also equally mesmerized by how fragile the usually so angered redheaded boy looked in the sheen of the moonlight. Something about him opening up and finally starting to trust Sousuke again warmed his heart.

After swallowing the lump in his throat, his voice shifted to a stronger tone, “I tried to push it away, tried to deny it, but in my weakest moments it always got to me.” Lifting his gaze to face the taller boy, he continued, “And when I saw you for the first time after getting back, I knew there was no fucking way I could ever get rid of that feeling.”

His eyes glistened from his tears and his jaw muscles clenched as if he was about to battle something. With his cheeks crimson from what Sousuke took as embarrassment, Rin almost spat his next words. “You’re more than a friend to me, Sousuke. More than a best friend and more than a rival.”

The ginger’s lower lip was slightly quivering, and the raven-haired boy failed to interpret whether that was because of anger, anxiety or _disgust_. His stomach churned.

Stepping closer to his best friend, Sousuke gently lifted the other boy’s chin causing their eyes to meet. He could feel that Rin was uncomfortable showing this vulnerable side of him, being close to shying away like a cornered animal.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?”

For a second, the redhead hesitated as he adverted his gaze. Shortly after though, he lowered his head -almost in defeat. “Yeah.”

With a fond yet somewhat tense expression on his face, the taller boy leaned in and placed a fleeting kiss on the ginger’s lips. His skin was cool and soft as it glided perfectly against his own, sparks flying in the other boy’s chest.

Slowly pulling away, Sousuke’s eyes stayed glued to his friend’s- _or lover’s?_ \- lips as his mind started to race again. _Was this a one-time thing? Were they going to be physical again in the future? What were they?_ But then he stopped himself; knowing Rin and his tendency to be overwhelmed by his own feelings, Sousuke was going to have to take the lead in this. _He_ _had to be sure._

The redhead kept quiet, heart beating fast as he tried to ground himself within this emotional chaos inside his head. It scared him to experience and show so much of his innermost feelings; maybe it was because he’d never felt something like this before, or maybe because he hadn’t come to terms with how he felt about his best friend yet. But maybe it was also because he was afraid of how his decisions would affect how people saw him.

“Stop thinking and start feeling”, Sousuke softly whispered and tore the younger boy out of his thoughts as he gently placed one hand on the younger boy’s neck to bring their foreheads together. The dark-haired boy looked at his opposite, somewhat proud and relieved but also worried about the ginger drowning in his own thoughts. Having cherished every second of their intimacy, the taller athlete decided not to overwhelm his roommate any more.

“We should go to sleep”, he silently breathed but was faced with Rin lightly shaking his head. Obediently frozen in motion, the raven-haired boy awaited his opposite’s next move.

“Just- do it again.”

Rin’s voice was quiet and raspy and sent shivers down the taller athlete’s spine as it rang in his ears. Catching a reassuring gaze from the ginger, he gently placed his hand on the redhead’s cheek before guiding him into a more passionate kiss. It was slow and fragile, yet longing and comfort-seeking; almost as if Rin was _fighting back_ on expressing how he felt through this kiss.

Truth was, the redhead was really fighting a battle: a battle that he couldn’t win, a battle against himself, a battle about self-acceptance. A battle in which one side of him did everything to break through the oppression of his feelings, and the other strived to get rid of how he felt for his best friend. 

Slowly ending their kiss, they just looked at each other.

“Let’s head inside, it’s late.”


	11. "Thank you for everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i edited and tweaked this chapter like a million times, so i hope it still reads smoothly- if you happen to stumble across any mistakes / weird phrasing, please don’t hesitate to let me know :)
> 
> but for now, enjoy reading-  
> Rin makes a move.

The next day passed in a haze.

The boys had slept in and woken up just in time for practice, both of them still feeling weirdly unfamiliar with their newly defined relationship as _‘more than friends’_. During practice, they’d been able to push their emotional dilemmas aside for the most part, aside from one situation.

It had taken place when Coach Watanabe had critiqued Rin’s breaststroke; not that it had been particularly bad, just a little sloppy which was reason enough for their coach to tease the ginger a bit.

“Watch it Matsuoka, don’t embarrass us tomorrow!”, he’d snapped jokingly, yet with an undertone serious enough to startle Rin. It was then when Sousuke’s hand had brushed his, almost unnoticeably yet purposefully enough for the redhead to get the message. With his muscles tensed, he had flinched away. 

From then on, all that had been on their mind was coordination and performance which left little to no room for thinking about feelings and actions. As they were to participate in a serious competition the next day though, Coach Watanabe ordered all his athletes to spend the evening beforehand calmly and relaxed in their hotel rooms.

“Practice was good today”, Sousuke commented as he roughly dried his still damp hair with a towel. They’d just gotten back from an intense afternoon of training, so taking a shower and changing into something comfortable had been the first thing they’d done- _individually, of course._

“For you, maybe”, the maroon-haired boy sighed as he slumped down on the bed. Laying on his back, he rested his head in the palms of his hands and closed his eyes. “My breaststroke was _sloppy_ ”, he said mocked, over-pronouncing his coach’s exact words.

“You didn’t seem to be very focused throughout the whole training.”

“Thanks”, he groaned sarcastically as he rolled his eyes at the taller boy, “You trying to hold my hand in front of everyone certainly didn’t fucking help.”

The dark-haired boy couldn’t help but laugh. “I barely touched you, and besides, no one noticed.”

“Someone could’ve”, Rin mumbled.

Tossing the towel over a chair, Sousuke sat down on the bed next to his roommate. Still with a rather amused smile on his face, the taller athlete looked at him, “You’re nervous, am I right?”

“I’m not.”

“You are, you’re doing _the thing_ ”, the dark-haired boy knowingly raised his eyebrows, “You’re grinding your teeth. You’ve always done that when something’s made you antsy.”

The smallest smirk of defeat formed on the redhead’s lips. “You really _do_ know me like no one else.” He paused for a second, “It just bugs me that my mind’s been off during practice lately.”

The ginger looked up at his best friend, almost as if he were to say, _‘and you’re the reason why’_.

“I’m sure _we’ll_ do great tomorrow.”

_We_. Goosebumps arose on Rin’s skin as a sudden wave of warmth washed over him. Feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, he abruptly sat up to reach for the taller athlete’s wrist. Overcome by an immediate urge to re-experience _that special feeling_ , he eagerly pulled him in his direction, but froze before almost crashing their lips together.

What stopped him was an electrifying cold shiver of repulsion that shot down his spine, making his stomach churn in reluctance. _Why, why was this happening again? Why was he reacting like that? Why couldn’t he just-_ With his sharp canines biting down onto the soft flesh of his tongue, he tried to make sense of the panicked thoughts that were flying through his mind; it felt like trying to escape a hurricane, only to find out that the very thing he was fleeing from was himself. Failing to find something to cover up his anxiety, the ginger’s heart raced at an almost inhumane rate.

Tensely, he tried to pull back, but was torn from his thoughts when he was prohibited from doing so by a large, warm hand holding onto his wrist. Its grip was gentle, yet firm enough to keep him in place; it was enough to keep the redhead as close to the taller boy.

Softly pulling the shorter athlete in his direction, Sousuke’s gaze met with the untameable wild ruby that burned in his best friend’s eyes. Multiple times he’d been told that the eyes were the windows to a person’s soul, but never had he imagined this statement to be _this_ true; looking at Rin’s eyes made his chest light up with what he believed to be only a fraction of the firestorm the other boy was caught up in. His pupils widened.

Trying to clear his body from the clawing doubt that had reclaimed its territory, he forcibly exhaled before carefully lifting his free hand to the other boy’s face. The redhead’s skin felt cold and soft under his calloused fingers, and Sousuke couldn’t help but tense at the touch. Daring to cup his best friend’s cheek, he slowly minimized the distance between the two until finally uniting their lips.

It was a fragile kiss, so unstable that it threatened to break at any second. To the taller athlete, this moment of intimacy was very much reflective of the younger boy; Rin was lightly shaking as he shyly reciprocated the innocent motions the dark-haired swimmer proposed, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. By now, both boys were slowly losing themselves in the moment, willingly or not. It wasn’t much, but when Sousuke felt the redhead relax under his touch the slightest bit, his heart jumped in a heavy thump. Softly stroking his thumb across his roommate’s cheek, he carefully guided the maroon-haired boy into a deeper, more passionate, and less insecure kiss, eliciting a hitch in the other boy’s breath in response.

Slowly parting their lips, the raven-haired felt a slight burn in the left side of his chest; he held his breath as the feeling intensified, and watched the redhead wipe the hints of his inner conflict from the corners of his eyes.

The raven-haired boy gently slid his hand down the ginger’s neck, careful not to overwhelm him in the process. Reaching the nape of his neck, his fingers softly as cautiously started to brush reassuring circles onto the younger boy’s skin. In a comforting, quiet voice he asked, “Are you alright…?”

Remaining completely silent, the ginger exhaled and let his head fall forward as his muscles finally relaxed under Sousuke’s caring touch.

“Hey… it’s okay.”

The taller boy’s soft, reassuring words ripped a loud sigh from the redhead’s throat that sounded like it had been held back for a long time. With the release of that sigh, all the tension in the ginger’s muscles was resolved, making the younger boy collapse onto Sousuke’s chest; Rin’s face was now resting against the soft cotton that clothed the taller athlete’s torso, while his hair was close enough to Sousuke’s nose for him to smell the fragrance of his shampoo.

“I’m sorry…”

Goosebumps arose on the raven-haired boy’s skin as the exhausted and barely audible voice of his best friend reached his eardrums. “Rin…”

“I’m a mess, Sousuke…”

Something about the way the two boys were seated on the ginger’s bed in their hotel room, closely tangled while Rin muffled pained confessions into Sousuke’s sweater had the older boy thinking. _Had he been too hard on Rin? Was this all his fault, or was there something the redhead hadn’t told him about? Maybe he was just expecting too much from the younger boy- maybe this was just a symptom of nicotine withdrawal mixed with pre-competition anxiety._

“Sou…?”

“Yeah?”

The raven-haired boy watched as the redhead grabbed a fistful of Sousuke’s shirt, flexing his muscles until his knuckles turned white.

“Thank you for everything.”


	12. "This isn’t really about me, is it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!  
> sorry for the long wait – my studies were keeping me busy, but i'm hoping to update more now that i’m on christmas break.
> 
> in that sense, merry (early) christmas everyone- i hope u enjoy the chapter :)

By now, a few hours had passed since Rin’s breakdown.

 _A few hours_ were enough time for Sousuke’s mind to run wild and settle down again, but it certainly wasn’t enough to block out the strained feeling in his chest.

Mindlessly clicking the pen in his hand, he looked over at the left of the two beds where the younger boy was peacefully napping, his lips slightly parted. His maroon-coloured mane was lightly roughed up from the friction against the pillows but seeing him in a state as calm and relaxed as this was among the taller boy’s definitions of mesmerizing.

Despite the fact that they were no more than a few feet away from each other, Sousuke still felt like he was missing Rin. _Maybe he missed how the ginger was before leaving for Australia; more careless, more outgoing, and less anxious and unsettled. He missed the Rin he’d laughed with, and he missed the Rin that always had his back. He missed the Rin who hadn’t lied to him. He missed the Rin who wasn’t struggling to be around him._

The dark-haired boy snapped out of his thoughts when the pen he’d been balancing in between his fingers hit the hardwood floor beneath his soles. Initiating to bend over to pick it up, he made a halt when he heard the ginger shuffle in his sleep.

“Ngh…”, he murmured as he turned to face the taller boy, still fast asleep as he scrunched his nose in what seemed to be discomfort.

_Cute._

A crooked smile formed on Sousuke’s lips as they parted to release quiet sigh. The subtle reminder that this would likely be one of the only times he’d ever get to see Rin like this- that he’d likely never be the one that Rin would wake up to every morning made his heart sink. Placing the pen he’d finally managed to pick up on the desk behind him, the dark-haired athlete exhaled audibly; with his mind drifting to all the wrong places- all the ‘ _might-be’s_ and ‘ _could’ve-been’s_ , his plans to work through another chapter of his physiology book to study for an upcoming test went straight down the drain. _It had gotten pretty late anyways._

_Knock, knock, knock._

Swaying his gaze from the door to the redhead and back to the door, the older boy made his way towards the entrance of their apartment, only to be greeted with an all too familiar face.

“Coach Watanabe- good evening, Sir.”

“Good evening to you too, Yamazaki. May I come in?”

“I- uhm”, the raven-haired boy answered hesitantly, despite appearing decently calm to the outside world, “Of course you may, Coach. I’m sorry to keep you waiting, but would you mind giving me a second? I’ll let Rin know you’re here.”

And with the middle-aged man nodding contently, the taller swimmer closed the door on him again.

“Rin”, he said in a soft voice as he made his way over to the redhead’s bed, “Get up, Coach Watanabe’s here.”

Still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and convinced that he was in fact still dreaming _–why else would their coach pay them a visit at this time?–_ the ginger murmured, “What the…?”

“Yeah, he’s waiting outside, but he’ll want to come in any moment. Are you ready?”

Rolling his eyes, the ginger pressed his palm to his forehead before attempting to fix his roughed-up hair. “This was certainly not how I had hoped to be woken up.”

For a second, Sousuke thought about cracking a joke about disturbing Rin’s beauty sleep, but remembering why the younger boy had taken a nap -due to emotional exhaustion- he decided against it, and simply told him to cover up the fact that he’d just woken up. 

“Good evening, boys”, the older man exclaimed with a stern yet positive expression as he entered the apartment, “I just wanted to wish my best two swimmers a restful night of sleep and good luck for tomorrow’s competition.”

“Thank you, Coach”, Sousuke answered with a light smile on his face which Rin fell in line with. “Yes, thank you”, he forced out of his mouth, trying his best not to sound sleepy.

“Yamazaki, how’s the shoulder doing?”

Despite the sudden feeling of the redhead’s sharp gaze on him, the taller boy answered in a calm manner. “Just fine, thank you. No complaints.”

Rin’s brows furrowed sceptically as his eyes drifted back and forth between his best friend and their coach.

“That’s what I wanted to hear! I know this is your first college competition, but I’ve heard that you, Matsuoka, have already participated in some races in Australia?”

A sigh left the ginger’s lips, “Yeah, but I failed; terribly, to be exact.”

“Winner or not”, Watanabe paused as a victorious smirk formed on his face and his hands balled to form fists, “I believe in you guys.”

“Thank you, Coach.”

“Tomorrow, 10 a.m. – be punctual.”

“Yes, Sir.”

The older man nodded at both boys, “That’s all. See you tomorrow, then – good night.”

“Good night.”

And with that, the taller athlete closed the front door again; Rin remained silent, his eyes still glued to his hands that were folded in his lap as he absentmindedly fidgeted with his fingers.

“Everything alright?”, his dark-haired roommate commented calmly as he sunk down on the bed next to his roommate. The shorter boy ground his teeth in a tense manner.

Still avoiding his friend’s gaze, Rin’s voice sounded defensive, “I don’t know, you tell me- _how’s the shoulder doing?_ ”

Still trying to process and decode the ginger’s reaction, Sousuke furrowed his brows in confusion, “…You really do have some sort of unresolved feelings towards my injury, don’t you?”

For a second, he paused to watch Rin grind his teeth against each other. “Are you really peeved because Coach Watanabe asked me how my shoulder was doing _when you know for a fact_ that my shoulder pain a few weeks ago was a lie to get out of practice?”

With the muscles of his jaw tightening once again, the ginger bit his tongue. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“What is it that bothers you so much about this?”, the dark-haired athlete asked, still very reserved. The ginger had always admired the taller boy’s ability to remain calm during tense situations. While Rin became got upset and irritated over the simplest inconveniences, it took a lot to push Sousuke over the edge and make him burn from ire. The redhead’s envy towards this very skill sprung from the fact that self-control had always been an issue for the younger boy.

“You never seemed to care how I was doing when you were in Australia.”

Right after these words had left his mouth, a bitter aftertaste weighed heavy on his tongue, and immediate regret of having brought up Australia spread through Sousuke’s body. It was that moment where he had overstepped a boundary; he’d crossed a line and reignited a fire that had long been extinguished. Despite it being completely irrelevant to their current issues, he knew it was a touchy subject and hated to remind his best friend of his failure abroad; yet, _he himself_ seemed to have some kind of unresolved feelings connected to that period of time, too.

“You’re right”, the maroon-haired responded quietly, “I didn’t care, and I regret that.”

 _I didn’t care because you were unavailable as competition, and I was failing, anyways_ , it echoed through his head. _I didn’t have to ask you how you were doing; I knew you were doing better than me. Even with your injury, you were doing better than me._

His stomach churned as a nasty thought crossed his mind. _I couldn’t have handled making my fear a fact; I couldn’t have handled **knowing** that my only worthy competitor was better than me._

Rin was torn from his thoughts when dark-haired boy finally answered. However, not the way the ginger had hoped.

“This isn’t _really_ about _me_ , is it?”, Sousuke said quietly, his voice sounding a lot colder than before as the slow realization kicked in. “This isn’t about me as your _friend_ ; this is about me as your _rival_.”

“No! That’s not-“

“We both know it is”, the taller athlete said almost warningly, yet still decently reserved. _Am I nothing more to you? –_ it urged him to ask, yet he restrained himself from doing so.

By now, Rin had bitten his lip raw and was even drawing blood by how unstrung he was.

“But no worries”, the raven-haired boy continued as he got up from the ginger’s bed, “As long as we’re on the same team there’s no need to fear me dethroning you. I’m sure _you_ will do great.”

This side of Sousuke – a cynical, almost passive-aggressive, but also somewhat dangerous side – was something the redhead and really anyone rarely got to see, but whenever that side showed, it was because of Rin. The taller boy’s aura was usually warm and had a reassuring effect on him, but right now it was as icy as the autumn air that filled the room when his roommate had opened the door to their balcony.

 _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sousuke my poor baby ;___;


	13. “If you really care about me, prove it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year!!  
> long time no update, sorry everyone- life's been a little busy, but i hope that the length of this chapter can make up for my lack of updates at least a little bit :)
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are very appreciated- thank you for the support! other than that, enjoy reading :)
> 
> things become a little clearer between rin and sousuke.

“Forwards, Saito! Go!”

Aiichiro’s cheers echoed through the competition hall as Akio shot across the lanes like an arrow. The competition had progressed to its last discipline, the relay.

Opposed to his teammates who cheered for each and every swimmer, Rin just stood there with furrowed eyebrows as he watched tensely. _Sousuke’s next_ , he thought as his gaze brushed the tall, muscular raven-haired boy to his left. His eyes were specifically glued to his roommate’s shoulder, making him grit his teeth; _I hope to God he wasn’t lying about his shoulder this time._

Rin had slept horribly; apart from the fact that – regardless of his experience as a competitive swimmer – he couldn’t shake off the nervousness, the air between the two friends still hadn’t cleared since their argument the day before. The dark-haired boy had been even less talkative than usual and only conversed when absolutely necessary.

The fact that they weren’t on good terms with each other before their competition made Rin even more nervous.

A few seconds before Saito returned to his starting point, the ginger watched Sousuke get into position. Nothing about his posture indicated hurting; at least that enabled the redhead to regain a little bit of calm. Right before the taller athlete dove in though, there was a second where Rin could’ve sworn, he’d looked back to shoot him a quick smile. By the time he’d been able to fathom that though, his roommate had already submerged into the cool liquid that carried him across the pool like a fish un the sea.

His strokes were fast and powerful, and his skin glistened under the bright lights as he pushed himself through the water; watching his best friend force his body to meet its limits had Rin’s cheeks flushing with heat. Sousuke was without a doubt an exceptional swimmer, but the ginger just couldn’t shake the thought of what other _activities_ the dark-haired boy would likely excel at.

“Fuck”, he cursed under his breath as he felt a familiar heat pool in his stomach. This was not the right time to become a victim of his own biology, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop himself from imagining how the taller athlete’s physique would look like bare and natural, lit by a dimmed light; how his chest would look like dripping from sweat, and how his muscular arms would flex as they held onto the redhead’s hair.

Already feeling a little bit lightheaded, Rin tried his best to distract himself through engaging in cheering. His words seemed to push the raven-haired boy even harder as he caught up on his way back even more and ultimately took the lead from their rival team.

“Yeah!”, Rin exclaimed with an ambitious smile on his face, suddenly having forgotten the grey cloud that hung over the two friends’ heads; though, that smile vanished the second he recalled his conversation with his best friend last night.

_This isn’t about me as your friend; this is about me as your rival._

His stomach churned as he remembered the tightness in his chest and the disappointment in Sousuke’s eyes.

The redhead was torn from his thoughts when said swimmer pushed himself out of the pool and took slow, heavy steps towards him. “G-good job”, Rin said firmly as he gave his roommate a firm handclasp.

For a second, their eyes met and immediately locked. “You cheered for me”, the taller boy breathed, “Thank you.” His eyes remained glued to the ginger’s for another moment before he added, “You’re up next, after Nakamura.”

The shorter athlete sighed in frustration, knowing that he’d probably have some catching up to do if he performed after Nakamura. Nodding, he let go of Sousuke’s hand, but was taken by surprise when the dark-haired boy didn’t do the same.

“Hey”, his grip tightened around the maroon-haired swimmer’s hand, “ _You_ ’ll do great.”

Rin swallowed as an unfamiliar warm feeling spread in his chest. The taller boy’s way of talking was sober and dry, but for a split second, the ginger felt the urge to press his lips against the taller boys’- right then and there, in front of everybody; for a split second, he _didn’t care_ what would happen if he did, but the thought quickly dissolved when he had to break their eye contact to get into position.

“Don’t disappoint me, Matsuoka!”, he heard his coach cheer from afar.

Rin closed his eyes. _Not this time._

And just when his teammate had completed his lap, the maroon-haired boy dove in. His pulse was high, and adrenaline was rushing through his body, but his movements were coordinated and precise. He’d been right, though – there was _definitely_ some catching up to do. Looking over at the neighbouring lane, the shorter boy was greeted by a rival athlete who threatened to surpass him at any second.

In a few moments he’d have reached the wall, so he already mentally prepared to perform the flip turn. This change of direction was either his ticket to the victory podium or his downfall to defeat; this was all or nothing.

3…

2…

1…

…

For a moment, time as well as the room around him seemed to have frozen still as a tingling sensation sparked down his spine. _No, that didn’t just happen_ , the disbelief echoed through his head while he tried to breathe through the water that weighed him down like it was trying to drown him. _There’s no way I just slipped,_ the ginger’s mind started running wild as the voices and cheers of his teammates dulled, _there’s- there’s no way I just messed this up_.

“Rin!”

The swimmer’s eyes widened as a single call tore him out of his deafening thoughts.

“Don’t lose focus now, you hear me?!”

There it was again, that deep, oh so familiar voice calling for him. This time though, it was rich with agitation and what almost sounded like _anger_. _Was the taller boy mad at him for messing up? No, he couldn’t have possibly been **this** ambitious…_

Rin’s breath hitched, when the realization hit him- _could it really be that this was about their conversation last night…?_

Despite only being able to exert about 60 percent of his usual strength, the ginger pushed himself off the wall with a powerful leap.

“Is that all you got?!”

Chills shot down his spine as another low growl hit his eardrums. Usually, the taller boy’s voice was calm and comforting, but right now it sounded anything but; it was roaring and carried an undertone that pierced right through Rin’s chest: _hurt_.

With his heart racing in his chest and his blood pulsing through his veins, Rin gritted his teeth as he pushed his body pick up speed. With every stroke, his muscles shook from exhaustion and his lungs burned like hell, but his will to succeed was by far greater than the physical and mental pain.

_Don’t lose focus now._

With one last sharp breath, Rin reached the end of his lane – _first_.

“And with this, the victory goes to Seshika Kyoritsu University!”

Everyone cheered as they heard the commentators declared their success.

“Thanks to you two we placed first!”, Ai happily exclaimed as Sousuke extended his arm to aid his roommate out of the pool.

“Well done, loser”, he said harshly as he suppressed the most minor mischievous, yet to Rin most rewarding smirk.

A shower session, a celebratory dinner and a speech by their content Coach later, all swimmers had been allowed to return back to their hotel rooms.

“Hey, Sou- today, during the race…”, the redhead mumbled as he leaned against the door to the balcony, fumbling a cigarette out of its packaging, “I’ve- I’ve never seen you this furious before… This was about last night, right?”

Besides being tossed his lighter, Rin received no answer from the taller boy.

“You… you weren’t _really_ mad at me because I messed up, were you?”

The raven-haired boy forcibly pushed the smoke past his parted lips. “How would _you_ feel if you saw your best friend make a dire mistake in a race after realizing the night before that pushing him to succeed in competitions is all you’re _really_ good for?”

There it was again, that piercing feeling Rin had already had to bear during today’s match. Not even trying to deny his roommate’s statement, the shorter boy just looked at him.

“How would you feel if you realized you don’t even fulfill your sole purpose in the other person’s life?”

“That’s not true… you’re hurt”, Rin answered in a quiet voice as he watched the raven-haired athlete’s facial expression harden. “And- and I understand why you are. I’ve been nothing but a horrible friend-“, he paused to lower his voice even more, “ _or whatever I am to you…_ ”

For a moment, they stood in silence as they both watched the smoke from Sousuke’s cigarette vanish into thin air. From his best friend’s body language alone, the redhead could tell that his last sentence had hit a nerve; regret spread through his body.

“Will this rival bullshit ever end?”

Rin tensed as his felt his blood run cold.

“I don’t even get why”, the taller swimmer continued, absentmindedly rolling the glowing cigarette in between his fingers, “When did I become subject of your obsession to win?”

A heavy sigh fell from his lips as he watched the embers slowly glide through the air before hitting the cool tiles beneath their feet. “Back in Samezuka our friendship was strong, and as much as I hate to admit that, that was all thanks to _Nanase_.”

The redhead’s heart stumbled.

 _Nanase. Nanase Haruka_. He hadn’t heard that name in years.

“Eventhough I can’t stand that kid, I was always glad that you had him to project your rivalry onto; that meant whenever you were with me, _you were actually yourself_ ”, taking another hit, the dark-haired swimmer turned to face the sea, “Now I just feel like a replacement for him.”

“Sou-”

“ _Stop_ calling me that.”

Wincing at his best friend’s harsh response, the ginger shrunk to what felt like the size of a mouse. The raven-haired boy’s refusal of his childhood nickname shot a sharp pain through Rin’s chest, as a feeling all too similar to guilt started to fill his chest.

Having sensed the clear hurt in the taller boy’s voice, Rin continued more softly, “You… you can’t compare our friendship to mine and Haru’s, I- I basically grew up with him and the others.”

“So?”, the taller athlete exhaled again, “You used to chase after that guy like your life depended on it- and now that he’s out of reach, you suddenly start to care about me again?”

Right then, the ginger felt like he was going to fall apart before ever getting a word out of his mouth. He swallowed hard and made eye contact with his opposite, softly and comfortingly, and nowhere near their usual intensity. “You were never a replacement for anyone, _Sou_.”

He had made the conscious decision to call him that name again despite the other’s wish to refrain from doing so; it was what felt right. “Isn’t it proof enough that I came to study at the same University as you?”

Taking a step towards the older boy, he continued, “If I would’ve wanted to be close to Haru or any of the other boys- don’t you think I would’ve chosen differently?”

With one last drag, the raven-haired athlete dropped his cigarette to crush it under his heel. The fact that he averted his gaze while doing so was what had Rin feeling like his very own heart was being crushed under the taller boy’s heel.

“Don’t you understand that it’s _hard_ for me to trust you after all that happened between you and me?”, with his eyes still glued to the porcelain tiles beneath their feet, Sousuke pocketed his hands, “All my life, I’ve been your second choice; because you always put yourself first. Be it Kisu or Haru, or anyone else – you never think about how your actions affect others.”

A quiet dry laugh fell from the taller boy’s lips, “And then there’s me, the fool who glues you back together every time someone else shatters you into pieces.”

The maroon-haired athlete remained quiet as the familiar tingling feeling in his nose he felt every time he cried started to set in.

“Please don’t. You know how much I hate to see you cry.”

And with that sentence, the ginger’s sharp teeth sunk into his lower lip with immense pressure as he tried his best to contain himself; he even drew blood, but even that wasn’t enough distraction to keep his tears from falling; embarrassment heated up his cheeks. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

With his chest heavy, a pained sigh escaped Sousuke’s throat.

“You know, despite you never asking if I was even comfortable with that, I never complained when you moved in. I’ve even been extra careful not to overwhelm you with _literally anything_ _I do_ , and I’ve been trying to help you with all your issues ever since you got here. I’m not asking for much, Rin, just for all of that to be validated.”

His gaze slowly lifted and landed on the maroon-haired boy’s lips as he paused for a second. “I just want to be more than your drive to succeed.”

“You are!”, it suddenly burst out of the ginger, the frustration loud in his roaring voice, “Stop pretending like I don’t care about you!”

“Well then fucking act like it!”. by now, Sousuke had raised his voice, too, “Do I have to quit swimming before you see me for who I am?!”

Silence.

Rin’s blood had frozen in his veins, the only thing he heard being his heart exerting all its power to keep pounding in that constricting chest of his.

Never in his life would he expect the raven-haired swimmer to do something like that for him; it was quite the contrary, actually. The redhead had been anxious about his roommate abandoning the lanes ever since he’d first injured his shoulder. Sure, if he had stopped swimming back then, he might’ve even been able to achieve a full recovery; however, Rin was _too_ familiar with that different kind of glow in those teal eyes, and the different kind of energy the taller boy radiated when he swam to not feel his heart break at the thought of him never swimming again.

A frustrated sigh that fell from the older athlete’s lips was what tore through the almost deafening silence.

“If you _really_ care about me, prove it.”


End file.
